Sin Vergüenza

In Spanish, to say "I'm embarrassed", you say "Tengo vergüenza" which translates literally to "I have embarrassment or shame". I like the use of the noun because you can do things with or without embarrassment, you can leave your embarrassment, claim that something gives you embarrassment or say "There’s no embarrassment here" as if it is something you can tangibly eliminate from the environment. It is obvious that there really is less of it here. You are bound to see people singing loudly or dancing in public, picking their nose in the open, or shouting obscenities at a family member sin vergüenza or without shame. I’d like to dedicate this entry to embarrassing things that I do in my Peace Corps service. Maybe this is more like a list of things I should be embarrassed about but in true Dominican spirit, I do sin vergüenza.

Eggs are a cheap and easy source of protein so I eat them almost every day. Instead of converting pesos into dollars to figure out if something is a good deal, I think in terms of eggs. For example, I like powdered milk but a tiny baggy is worth eight eggs so I can rarely bring myself to buy it. A cold drink is three or four eggs… robbery.

There is no solid chocolate here so I bought hot chocolate powder at the out-of-town supermarket and I eat it dry with a spoon.

The only entertainment I have on my computer is season 5 of The Office. With a true display of discipline, I waited four months in site to watch it. The first day I started it, I watched ten episodes and didn’t leave the house. It’s been about a month and I’ve seen the whole season twice.

I lie and say that I have stomach problems when I don’t to get out of eating gifted food.

When we run out of water, I wake up really early to pee in my yard when the neighbors can’t see me. I also visit the church to use their latrine and only eat things that don’t dirty any dishes like hard-boiled eggs.

I go on runs with my ipod shuffle and sometimes I stop to sing and dance to my American music. One time, I had a mutually fearful moment with a small herd of cows rounding a corner.

I think about the electricity so much that I try to plan my day and water consumption around the state of our refrigerator. I have a bunch of plastic bottles that I drink and refill like it’s my job when we have power. Lately, there hasn’t been power at night so to avoid using my headlamp too much I do a lot of walking and visiting friends who have generators.

Even when I am talking in a group of Dominicans, I blurt out words in English like “Really!?” or “Now way!” when something surprises me. I used to laugh at myself and explain what I said in English but this just perpetuates the situation. Now I just pretend it didn’t happen.

Sometimes after a long day and a look in the mirror, I realize that my sunscreen and sweat has made prominent white streaks on my face.

I have vivid dreams about food I can’t get here like ice cream and burritos. I used to be a pseudo-vegan but the things I crave from the states are not the things I used to eat. I think way more about chocolate chip muffins and cheesecake more than dried fruit and soymilk (although it all sounds wonderful).

I get my feelings hurt because people in the rest of the Dominican Republic think my town is the most horrible place in the country. In the capital, I get a lot of yikes facial expressions when I say where I live and instead of Pedro Santana, they call it Pedo Santana (pedo means fart). I have even cried about it, ha!

My mom sent me an Us Weekly magazine and I savored it, restricting myself to one article every morning with my tea until I had read every word. I will probably read it again.

When people shout, "Americana!" in the street, I respond with "Dominicano!" but depending on my mood, when they yell other more annoying names or phrases, I sometimes yell "Please, I have a name!" or "No, I’m not your love!". Occasionally I find myself shouting at really old men or children, whoops.

I gossip… a lot. So I hear, my town is getting a new bus to the capital complete with air conditioning and curtains, what now?!

I have such a guilty conscience that I am always thinking about how unfair it is that I will likely always have more than the people here. Other volunteers seem to do a lot more traveling, socializing and spending but I almost never leave my site. For example, because I have friends here who have never seen the beach, I don’t want to go to the beach for vacation and have to come back and tell people. Of all these embarrassing things, this is perhaps the most shameful with the greatest repercussions. I don’t want to live on this island for two years and not leave my hot dry border town because I want to live like the poor. Oh dear!

Now that you have surely judged me, I feel a little liberated. Peace Corps is certainly not restricted to perfect people living pure and noble lives. Living in a different country produces a lot of embarrassing experiences and habits but so does life in general, right? You can hide what you do without anyone knowing but it is so much better tell people about it, get a laugh, air it out! If you feel like sharing, I’m all ears!